.+. shadowfrost + [v.XXVIII] + imagine .+.

» funny quote list «

I have decided to create a list of funny quotes I find. just for your enjoyment. there will be additions whenever I find one. ^.^

-Then again, he reasoned, having a homicidal would-be dictator with scads of unidentifiable followers plotting your untimely demise often sucked the bliss out of life's little victories.
-"I’m for a cool swim first, in the Atet pool, and perhaps after that I’ll feel less like strangling Reaten, then finding Horeb, ripping off his arm, and beating him to death with it. After all, it would be ill-done of me to deprive both the Commander of Dragons and Haraket of that privilege."
-"I am not going into the forest with him. The last time I was in there with him...I almost died."
-By the time breakfast was over the next morning, mutant zombie vampire acromantulas had chased Harry and Draco out of the Forbidden Forest. The boys were lucky to be alive and Albus Dumbledore should have been fired.
-"I heard it. But 'pfft' is mine. I forbid you to use 'pfft' against me. Get your own mouth noise!"
-"Potter, that colour is called puce. There’s a reason why the name is so close to puke."
-"Deforestation is not the answer."
-The Irken soldier had learned long ago that tall, skinny males (such as himself and the Dib-beast) were seen as weak, a threat to the concept of 'manliness', and therefore made appropriate punching bags. So Zim had taken to wearing large baggy clothes to hide his form and had managed to avoid detection thus far.
-Dib winced at the memory of his 'I believe in aliens' boxers flapping in the wind from atop the school flagpole, while he hid, shivering, in the bushes nearby.
-"WHO DARES?! WHO DARES STEAL ZIM'S DELICIOUS PASTRY?!" He turned again and pointed at Dib. "IT WAS YOU WASN'T IT? PATHETIC THIEVING DIRT CHILD! GIVE IT BACK!''
-"What... just happened here? Who was that girl? How does she hold such power over the other stink monkeys? And what is this “dance contest” of which she speaks?"
-"Hmm. Interesting. So this...popularity...is it a weapon?"
-"This is perfect! To rule the world, I must first rule the school! To do that, I must be popular. To achieve this, I must win this dance thingy event...thing! Muahahahaha!"
-"Why am I still talking out loud to myself?"
-"BACK! BACK YOU FOUL STINK BEASTS! THE DIB IS MINE! GET AWAY FROM HIM OR FEEL THE WRATH OF MY SPORK OF DOOOOOM!!!"
-"HA! Pathetic fools! He is my ‘Dibby’! But you'll find out soon enough, when we win that dancing dance contest, and I become crowned king...eh, QUEEN! Yes! That's what I meant. I will rule you all with a well manicured fist! Bwahahahahha!"
-"You have to promise not to lock me up, take away my free will, or endanger my life in any way until the day after the dance."
-"I saw a chicken man doing a chicken dance in front of Taco Land and I took his chicken leg!"
-"Let their stupid, squishy heads stare! Their squinty eyeballs do not intimidate ZIM! If any of them try to take you, they'll have to deal with ME first!"
-"You cannot question me! I control your arms!"
-"Like I said, my goal is to destroy all the world's gorilla-faced monkeys like you!"
-"Don't water me!"
-"Great, so now I just have to explain to the Oz guards why clapping me in irons is giving me a hard-on. The poor goons will need therapy."
-The little hellion probably wanted to see his carcass eaten by rabid dogs.
-The damn tuna had given him nightmares.
-"May the malevolent hedgehogs gnaw on your underwear!"
-"May your genitals abruptly turn into Jell-O and be devoured by bunnies!"
-"I'll disable your procreation capacity."
-"He was probably trying to eat me!"
-"Set to work. Teams of two in each room. Please try to stay with your partner otherwise I can't be held responsible if you disappear and are never seen again. Now remember Leon has no pets so if something moves it's more than liking a piece of rotted food that's evolved, and it will attack you if provoked. Good luck ladies."
-"And you are my guide. The person without the weird freaky senses that helps the sentinel keep the weird freaky senses from going all weird and freaky?"
-"Yours is a dull existence."
-"Leave me alone you fruitcake."
-"I'd rather not have snorted wine."
-"Why are you biting your fist?"
-I thought you had some sort of prank in store for me. I was convinced that the instant I walked in here, everyone would crowd around and start singing Happy Birthday. Or that you were going to drug my food and do unspeakable things to me--" ---"Why didn't I think of that?!"
-"The food was fantastic, and you've been normal...well, sort of... all evening."
-"I can't move. I can't get out of my chair. I can move my neck a little, but other than that, I don't think I can even move a finger." His eyes snapped open. "What did you do to me, you fruitcake?"
-"'OOPS'?! YOU PARALYZE ME AND YOU SAY 'OOPS'?! THIS IS A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN 'OOPS', YOU GODDAM MAZOKU!!"
-"I am the walrus!"
-"If you have anything you'd like to tell the others, you'd best do it tonight. I'm going to kill you in the morning."
-"But I can't just leave you here, laying in a pile of kindling... I know! How about you stay in my room tonight?"
---"How about I bite your head off?"
-----"There'll be plenty of time for kinkiness later. Honestly, Zel-chan, can't we get to know each other first?"
-"Zelgadis, do you have a nosebleed?"
---"NO!"
-----"You are! You're such a little ecchi! I am shocked and appalled at your behavior!"
-"Zelgadis? Zelgadis? Zel? Zel? Zel? Zel? Is you asleep, Zel-chan?"
-"Are you going to answer my question?"
---"No."
-----"Why not?"
-------"Because you'll mock me and use it against me somehow."
-WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STOPPING?!"
---"Well, you've been telling me to stop and leave you alone the entire evening. I decided that I should listen to you."
-"Do you KNOW how heavy that cross is? I need something to relieve my... tension."
-"No! I refuse to accept that Mr. Vash or Mr. Priest would do something so heinous as steal pudding!"
-"Oh my God, pleeeeeze tell me that you did NOT just say that those two immature, stupid men are fucking in the kitchen!"
-"That's it! As part of the Burner-Deli insurance agency, I must invest- igate my target's sexual promiscuity!"
-"Have you no SHAME, you--you happy hentais?!"
-"What 'n tarnation is goin on in here?! Ah get complaints o' sex noises, slammin around, screamin, an otherwise commotion! Ah cain't have this kind of higgledy-piggledy goin on in mah hotel! All o y'all got three seconds to haul ass OUT!"
-Wolfwood had a sudden vision of Vash the Stampede, standing in front of an auto-flush urinal. Vash was waving his hand around in front of the urinal, watching as it flushed and flushed all on its own, and "huh-huh-huh"-ing like Beavis and Butt-head. He decided that this meant he was plonked.
-"All right, let's try it out! You get together everything we need, and I'll go get all the... condiments... we'll be needing."
-"Milly, have you been huffing whipped cream again?"
-"Why'd you stick it in there, anyway? Here, chase it with a rum and Coke."
-"Wait a second. Why the hell is it making that funny noise?"
-"OW! My fingers got stuck! It just closed so damn fast! You need to be more careful!"
---"I can't help it, it was a natural reaction!"
-"Don't spit, you idiot! Just swallow!"
-"This! Check it out! I just waved it around in the air and it turned orange!"
-"Whoa! All right! Now stick it right here and see what happens..."
-"Dammit, can't I ever have a private moment?"
-"Milly... I believe I've told you before that you can't do certain things to cats..."
-Dear Mother, Father, Big-big-brother, Middle-big-brother, Little-big-brother, Big-big-sister...
-What is in my pocket? A horny hamster?
-"Vash is our charge! You can't kill him! We'll have no one to stalk!"
-Smallville was where boring went to die.
-To add insult to injury, both the receptionist and the maid stared at him as though he were an exhibit in a zoo – a real live Luthor, transplanted from his natural habitat for their viewing pleasure.
-They were now engaged in bouncing up and down like demented yo-yos, shaking their pom-poms and tossing their heads.
-"I'm physically and emotionally incapable of eating anything called a 'goober.'"
-"How much hairspray was involved in the making of this movie?"
---"There's a reason there's a hole in the ozone layer."
-"Eat your goobers, farmboy."
-'Lex Luthor knows you're an alien because you wanted his popcorn?'
-"You're not going to let me forget I used the word 'ringlets,' are you?"
-"That was a remarkably sleazy pregnant pause, Lex."
-"Are multi-billionaires even allowed to make Monty Python refs, Lex?"
---"I was a biochemical engineering major. No one gets out of there alive without a certain number of Monty Python refs."
-"I like being with you more than anything. Even chocolate."

written on 1.12.2005, at 4.45PM

fallen shadows